Try, try again

Nothing triggers my anxiety like a snowy day.  Brings back memories of spinning around in a circle (which, incidentally, isn't as much fun as it appears to be during a NASCAR race) and landing in a ditch, and another incident where a car spun in front of me and ended up directly in front of my car without an opportunity for me to stop without hitting it.

Here's the best way I can describe my anxiety;  I have an anxious side of my brain that automatically jumps to the worst case scenario and the other side of my brain that tries to use logic to combat my anxiety.  Which, doesn't always go as planned, because by definition anxiety is illogical.  So, using logic to try to combat it can sometimes make it worse.  Saying "stop being illogical" to an anxious brain can sometimes be like saying to a toddler "stop crying" in the middle of a fit.  Lots of times it adds to the anxiety instead of subtracting from it.

So, today I decided to try and get ahead of it.  Instead of focusing on the idea of driving right away I slowed myself down and looked around.  First thought that went through my head was "Yeah, I guess it's a little bit  pretty out."  OK....not overwhelmingly enthusiastic, but it's a start.  The more I was driving the more I noticed how pretty it really was.  Which felt like a much bigger improvement.  Instead of allowing anxiety to take control, I found myself looking at the road ahead of me, with the snow covered trees canopying over.

The light came on in my car a couple of times telling me the car was sliding.  I was able to think about what I needed to do to get through that period; taking my foot off the gas and easing my way through the slipper zone until the light went off again.  There was a couple of times where I had to stop at a stop light.  Again, being ahead of my anxiety, I was able to logically think about how to start back up again and get moving.

I was feeling pretty pleased with myself when all of a sudden a car cruised past me as I was starting up from the next stoplight.  It was close enough to my car to spray rock and slush at the side of my car with such momentum that it sounded like he hit the side of my car.  My heart raced and jumped into my throat all at the same time.  I had to take a deep breath once I realized he didn't hit my car.  The rest of my car ride home wasn't quite as peaceful as the rest of the ride.

One step at a time, I guess.