Letting Go

I've once again neglected my blog for a very long period of time.  I get stuck at a certain point with coming up with ideas that people reading the blog will enjoy.  In the process of concerning myself with what would be entertaining to an audience, I always lose sight of one important thing; what this blog could do for me.

In thinking about it, that proves to the true in a lot of aspects of my life.  I've always been concerned about whether or not a person likes me or if doing things to make others happy, while losing sight of who I want to be to be happy with myself. 

In ways, this isn't totally a bad thing.  It's lead me to a career path where I help others get the help they need to be happy with where they are in life.  It's also caused me to be introduced to people who have different perspectives then me, which has challenged my beliefs and allowed me to be understanding of other people's point of view.

However, I've found there is a down side to this. Perhaps a lot of this is connected with my anxiety and depression.  Being someone who grew up being bullied very significantly, it has been difficult to accept that I'm not perfect and will make mistakes.  I tend to roll my errors and flaws over and over in my mind and kick myself for doing things wrong. It's difficult for me to simply learn from my mistakes and move on.  Also, I struggle with positive criticism.  My mind tends to get stuck on hearing the negative side of a statement given to me instead of a million positive things wrapped up in that statement. 

I also tend to always assume that any kind of a transition is going to turn out negative instead of positive.  I have difficulties connecting to the positive aspects of change and how things could turn out OK.  Which leads me to my challenge for myself; even if it is a small one.  My goal is to dust off this blog, yet again, and use it to process things instead of rolling things over and over in my mind.  I am going to try to leave my worries here, for myself, and do my best to let them go.  I'm unsure if I'm always going to succeed.  Then again, that's part of the challenge.  To accept the fact that I won't always be perfect at everything, and to be OK with that fact.

Case of the thirty-somethings

Though out my life, I've struggled to come to terms with, as well as define, myself.  I think I mentioned in past blog posts that I was bullied quite severely as a child.  As a result, I learned to hide certain things about myself that I felt were incredibly shameful.  Over the years, I built a wall up miles high and wide to protect myself from being judged by others for my faults.  To this date, there are certain things that I've only shared with a handful of people, and only did so after I got to know the person extremely well.  My comfort zone has always been by myself, so whenever I complain about having no life, whether it be a social life or a love life, I pretty much realize it is my fault.  Through a couple years of counseling, I've come to realize the strengths I have as a person.  I try to focus on them.  Some times I succeed. Most times I feel like I fall back on the voices that kick me for everything that is wrong with who I am and what I do.

I've also struggled with figuring out who I am as a person.  Most of my life, I've struggled with just getting through things.  I struggled with getting through my experiences with being bullied up until I graduated from high school.  College is a struggle in surviving in and of itself.  My twenties were a struggle to survive kidney failure, and get through the beginning experience of my kidney transplant.  Now I'm up to my thirty-somethings and am struggling with defining myself as a person.

Perhaps because of my experiences in the past, I've always done whatever I could to please everyone around me.  I've always been desperate to get people to like me, and have gone even further to be likable when I feel someone doesn't care for me (probably annoyingly so).  Until recently, I've never taken the time to figure out what is best for me, or, for that matter, who I really am as a person.   While on that quest, I've struggled with whether some of the roads I've walked down are the right roads for who I am as a person now.  And if not, whether walking down a different road means that I have to completely let go of everything I established on the road I've been down.

Being a single thirty-something also gets difficult at times as well.  Most people my age are either married, having children, or getting engaged.  Meeting people isn't as easy as it used to be.  In college, you were pretty much stuck with a bunch of people your age around you.  Each person around you walking down a similar path.  While in that fish bowl, I was still struggling with severe insecurity, and didn't really believe I had anything to offer someone.  So, anytime someone showed any interest in me, I pushed them away.  I try not to kick myself for some of the opportunities I passed up.  It gets difficult not to at times. Sometimes it feels like I put myself in a "you snooze, you lose" situation. 

I've tried the Internet thing.  Wasn't for me.  I'm too leery of meeting someone that way.  Plus, for me, it fell into a comfort zone of chatting with someone without having to get too close.  No need to challenge the wall I built up.  Part of me kind of hopes that something (or shall I say someone) hits me over the head one of these days, because I haven't figured out how to hit someone over the head. 

Getting myself out of the comfort zone I've built for myself has been a struggle. I've built a routine for myself.  Mostly it includes work and home.  I'm hoping I get some of these things figured out before I have to write a blog entry titled "Case of the Forty-Somethings."

Being Mindful

Today's been a bit of a struggle for me.  Wasn't able to sleep last night; mostly due to leg spasms.  I have medication that I can take to help me sleep, but I don't like using it all the time, so I opted not to.  Mistake.  Didn't get to bed until about 1 AM.

I've become pretty aware of how my mood affects my desire to snack.  All day I've felt like I needed to be eating something.  Part of the good part about being ridiculously tired is I cannot come up with a particular thing that I'm wanting to eat.  Today's also been a great example as to how my emotions affect my desire to snack.

I used to say that I do not stress eat.  Since I've become more mindful about my eating pattern, I've realized how much I do, and just haven't been aware of the reason why I was snacking.  I also tend to snack when I'm bored.  With being as tired as I am today, I've realized the reason why I've wanted to snack all day is not because I am hungry but because I feel like I need to eat something to stay awake.

The good news is, today I've been able to resist my cravings.  Usually I would stop by a quick food stop on the way home to grab something to eat instead of cooking at home because I'm "too tired to cook." Today I came home and made scrambled eggs with kale.  I even used my fancy smancy new hand mixer to scramble my eggs (a bit of overkill, I admit, but what's the point in having a fancy smancy kitchen tool if you don't use it?)  Since dinner, I've been sitting here thinking about chips, or popcorn, or something....anything.  Again, I realized, not hungry (not even close, actually).  Just trying to keep myself busy so I don't fall asleep. Hoping if I force myself to stay awake I'll be able to get a good night's sleep tonight (will be the first one I'll get this week if I do).  After breezing through my kitchen a couple of times and staring at the contents of my fridge, I opted for writing a blog instead.  Hopefully I'll come up with ideas to keep myself busy until bed time.  I'd grab gum if I wasn't afraid of falling asleep and choking on it. Which would be a wee bit undesirable.

Two steps forward, one step back

Since my transplant, I've struggled with my weight.  Coming out of the hospital after my transplant, I was put on a high level of prednisone, which made me hungry all the time.  For quite a while, my routine was this:  Eat breakfast while discussing what we were having for lunch,  eat lunch while discussing what we were having for dinner, eat dinner while discussing what we were having for breakfast the next day, and repeat.
I've often joked that dialysis is the best weight loss plan out there, but not one I'd recommend.  When my kidney's failed, I was in the hospital for a week.  I was carrying so much water weight from my kidney failure that after two session of dialysis in the hospital I dropped 10 pounds.  I went on to drop another 9 pounds from there.Technically I was in "healthy" range for my BMI.  To me, however, I was way too skinny.  I was wearing a size three pant and a size zero skirt.  I don't think I'd ever qualify how I looked and felt as healthy; regardless of the other issues going on at the time.

While on dialysis, I couldn't anything high in potassium; no beans, no potatoes, no tomatoes, and no bananas (which I hated anyways, so I was happen to come up with an excuse to not eat those), to name a few.  I also couldn't have anything high in phosphorus; no nuts, no cheese, no chocolate, no red meat, again to name a few.  I also had to stay away from high sodium foods and was not able to drink a lot of liquids.  I pretty much lived on chicken breasts with bell peppers and onions.

Once I was able to eat after my transplant, the first meal I ordered was a cheeseburger drenched in ketchup with french fries and a chocolate cake.  The nurses laughed at me for ordering pretty much everything I couldn't have in one feeding frenzy.

Unfortunately, the freedom didn't last.  I was put on a high level of prograf, which in high doses causes your potassium level to spike.  So, I was back to watching extremely carefully what I ate.  It wasn't until a few years after that, when they put me on a different anti-rejection medication, that I was able to eat anything and everything I wanted.

I will admit that my weight gain wasn't entirely the prednisone's fault.  Once I moved out on my own, I made horrible food choices.  I've found it extremely difficult to cook for one person.  It's extremely easy to get sick of eating the same thing over and over again.  Meal planning and cooking are not my strong points.  So, I took full advantage of the fact that I passed up gobs and gobs of fast food choices between home and work.  The fact that the ones I didn't pass up delivered was a huge score.

I cannot pinpoint the exact moment when I realized that I was getting out of control.  At one point I did get connected with a nutritionists to discuss losing weight.  She got me connected with a free site that helped you track you foods. It took a while to get into the groove, but once I did I figured out I could eat anything I wanted.  I just couldn't eat as much of it as I wanted to in one sitting.  Or day, for that matter.

Ah, how easy it is to forget.  I did good for a while, but then plateaued.  I got frustrated.  Started to slip a bit.  Didn't gain weight from slipping.  Then I went into a free fall.  Not only did I gain back the weight I lost, but I picked up more on the way down.

I was sitting at a restaurant eating and realized I was out of control again.  I was bigger than ever and feeling awful.  I decided to bit the bullet and pay for Weight Watchers.  It took a while to get my groove back, but when I did there was no stopping me.  I had dropped thirty pounds and was feeling great.  I promised myself I wouldn't allow myself to slip as I did before.

I now sit here partly kicking myself, because I didn't live up to that promise.  I gained twenty of the thirty plus pounds I lost back.  I'm trying to catch my groove back again, but it's rough.  Really rough.  I often blame prednisone for my slip ups. I suppose that's not entirely true.  There still is a voice in the back of my head that focuses on food all the time.  However, I know that I've been able to control and ignore it in the past.  I have a choice to listen to the voice or not.  It's a tough choice, but somehow I have to find my groove back again.

I wanted to title this one step forward and two steps back.  Sometimes that feels more accurate.  However, I recognize that if I start thinking of this as a losing battle then I will, in fact lose.  So, I'm doing my best to turn that mindset on it's head.

I love Wisconsin.....6 months out of the year....

And then there's winter.  Living in Wisconsin with a winter driving anxiety sucks.  I hate the feeling of not being able to be in full control of what my car does when it slips and slides.  And the thought of not knowing whether or not people driving around me are smart about how they drive.  February is especially hard for me.  Everything gets really old.

There are a few incidences that lead up to this particular anxiety (many more that lead me to be an anxious person any ways, but that's a different topic for a different blog).  The first accident I was in resulted in my car being totaled.  This one wasn't in the winter, and even though it was bad, I didn't feel anxious about driving after that particular one (after a day of not wanting to drive).  The second one I got rear-ended on a freeway. That one sparked my anxiety.  For the longest time afterwards, I would avoid freeways at any cost. Even if it took me an hour longer to get from point A to point B.  The first thing that happened during the winter was I ended up spinning around in a circle and wound up in a median (not as much fun as they make it look on television, by the way).  I was still struggling with my previous anxieties by that point, so having that happen just sent things over the edge.  The third situation was while I was test driving a car.  Someone lost control of their vehicle and totaled the car I was driving. 

I'm a lot better than I used to be.  There were a few winters where I would have panic attacks every time I heard the words "winter weather warning."  I would think about spots that I knew would get crappy and would have a physical body reaction to the idea of skidding out or getting stuck at certain spots.  Winters were hell.

Over the years, I've tried to figure out what exactly it is I'm scared of.  What exactly I'm scared will happen.  I figured if I could determine what it was I was so afraid of, I would be able to figure out a logical way to fix it.  I came to the conclusion that I honestly do not know.  My anxiety is not logical.  Which is a difficult conclusion to come to, because it's hard to get yourself to stop being anxious of the unknown.  Known is a lot easier.  

Over the years of seeing a therapist I've come up with techniques to make things easier.  I've worked hard at focusing on there here and now.  So, if I know there is something coming up in the future (such as the storm coming in a couple of days), I've tried to focus on the fact that right now it doesn't affect me.  Which works, to a certain extent.  It helps me to not get myself caught up in a panic, but there still is a dread of what is coming in the future.  I've also tried to focus on what I have control of.  For instance, I have control over whether or not I leave my house if I am concerned that the roads may be unsafe.  I also live close to where I work, which helps to a certain extent.

It still takes prompting though.  Which is why I think Febuary gets so old.  I've had to go through months of prompting, and it just gets tiring.  Dreading the predicted weather.  Hoping it's the last hump that I will have to face until things get nice again.

Resolutions and Sacrifices

New Years resolutions and sacrifices for Lent always stump me.  I never seem to come up with ideas that seem worthy of the cause or ones that I feel I could maintain for an extended period of time.   The last resolution I've stuck with is the one where I would never make a resolution again.  As far as lent goes, whenever it comes around I end up switching ideas over and over again until it is over.

I think it is the idea of sacrifice that gets me.  Sacrificing food I like seems like a means to failure.  Whenever I see something that says "eliminate" a certain food or "cut back on", I always crave it more than I would have before.  I don't smoke.  I only drink alcohol once in a blue moon.  I'll admit to a Diet Coke addiction.  It's my coffee.  Without it, I'm unsure I'd function.

This year I decided to try something different.  Not a sacrifice, but a goal.  My goal is to start off each and every day with a positive thought.  I'm not a morning person, so this is a bit of a goal to strive for.  However, it seemed worthwhile.  An attempt to start my mood in a positive direction.

So far I've been doing pretty good.  This morning was a struggle.  Not to have a positive thought.  Just a thought.  Any thought. (Did I mention I'm not a morning person?).  I didn't consider today a step backwards on this goal, however, as I didn't think negatively.  Just had issues waking up.  Which means, of course, now that it's getting into the evening, I'm awake.  I swear I was born on the wrong side of the world.

Try, try again

Nothing triggers my anxiety like a snowy day.  Brings back memories of spinning around in a circle (which, incidentally, isn't as much fun as it appears to be during a NASCAR race) and landing in a ditch, and another incident where a car spun in front of me and ended up directly in front of my car without an opportunity for me to stop without hitting it.

Here's the best way I can describe my anxiety;  I have an anxious side of my brain that automatically jumps to the worst case scenario and the other side of my brain that tries to use logic to combat my anxiety.  Which, doesn't always go as planned, because by definition anxiety is illogical.  So, using logic to try to combat it can sometimes make it worse.  Saying "stop being illogical" to an anxious brain can sometimes be like saying to a toddler "stop crying" in the middle of a fit.  Lots of times it adds to the anxiety instead of subtracting from it.

So, today I decided to try and get ahead of it.  Instead of focusing on the idea of driving right away I slowed myself down and looked around.  First thought that went through my head was "Yeah, I guess it's a little bit  pretty out."  OK....not overwhelmingly enthusiastic, but it's a start.  The more I was driving the more I noticed how pretty it really was.  Which felt like a much bigger improvement.  Instead of allowing anxiety to take control, I found myself looking at the road ahead of me, with the snow covered trees canopying over.

The light came on in my car a couple of times telling me the car was sliding.  I was able to think about what I needed to do to get through that period; taking my foot off the gas and easing my way through the slipper zone until the light went off again.  There was a couple of times where I had to stop at a stop light.  Again, being ahead of my anxiety, I was able to logically think about how to start back up again and get moving.

I was feeling pretty pleased with myself when all of a sudden a car cruised past me as I was starting up from the next stoplight.  It was close enough to my car to spray rock and slush at the side of my car with such momentum that it sounded like he hit the side of my car.  My heart raced and jumped into my throat all at the same time.  I had to take a deep breath once I realized he didn't hit my car.  The rest of my car ride home wasn't quite as peaceful as the rest of the ride.

One step at a time, I guess.